The Stigma

My writing process normally goes something like this: idea, notes, emotional/stream of consciousness writing, sleep on it, edit it, reread it, edit it and post. A post normally takes anywhere from 2 days to a week to come together, depending on the subject and how careful I want to be with my words. Today, I am skipping a lot of those steps because I’m feeling very compelled to get this off my chest.

To start off, let me quickly update that I’m now doing non-stress tests twice a week to monitor my baby’s heart, movement and the fluid levels. So far, so good there. Unfortunately, I am still getting less than ideal blood pressure readings, and as of Tuesday, my doctor officially used the term “hypertension.” Luckily it’s not preeclampsia, but it could get to that if I don’t relax and take very good care of myself. The way things are going now, we might be looking at inducing labor at 38 weeks.

Nothing like being told that your and your unborn child’s health relies on you staying calm to make a gal want to panic, am I right? Funny enough, sometimes I feel like there is so much to worry about these days that it all cancels each other out. I’ve really settled into a mindset that there’s nothing I can do but wait.

Then tonight I was casually browsing social media and I saw a post that Chrissy Teigen and John Legend had lost their third child. I’m not sure how far along she was, but I had been slightly invested in her posts about her high risk pregnancy. She was very open about the complications she was going through, mainly needing multiple blood transfusions, and all the anxiety that came with it.

I’m not their biggest fan in the world. I like her funny tweets and have her cookbook. His music is alright. But I really admired the honesty. I figured, whether you love them or hate them or something in between, the loss of child would be something that would be universally accepted as tragic. Then I started reading comments and tweets.

Oh, man. I probably shouldn’t have been so naive. Yes, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend are outspoken liberals, but even at a time like this, so many right wing clowns and “pro-life advocates” were spewing bile at her. There were distasteful jokes, accusations that this was all for attention, evil comments that because they may be pro-choice they shouldn’t “pretend” to care about losing a child. Truly disgusting responses at a time when politics and perspectives should be set aside because we are human beings.

I guess you could say that’s what you get for being a celebrity and putting your life out into the public. Someone will always have something nasty to say. But what really got my blood boiling wasn’t the blue check-marked Twitter accounts of the right wing media trying to come up with the best zingers, but the unsolicited advice from everyday people.

“I just know if I were in her situation I wouldn’t want my picture taken … maybe she didn’t mind, but to post it on social media? Like why?”

“I, too, lost a baby but kept it private. You two need to grieve privately… not for the whole world to see.”

“Shouldn’t this be a little more, I dunno, private?” (This one, among many more like it was posted by a man.)

This is where it felt personal to me. I decided a while ago that I was going to be open about my baby’s diagnosis of CDH, whether the outcome is good or bad. Fortunately, I have been met with overwhelming love and support, but I realize there are probably people out there who are rolling my eyes at my decision. To those people, I politely say “f*ck off.”

It is absolutely NO ONE ELSE’S business how someone deals with grief and sadness. Chrissy and other public figures sharing their stories honestly helped me, and maybe I can help others too. After I had a miscarriage last year, I was recovering and watching trash TV to distract myself. On the reboot of MTV’s The Hills, I was surprised to hear Whitney Port talk openly about her own pregnancy loss just days after my own. The things she said were things I was feeling, that I hadn’t been able to put into words yet. It was difficult to listen to, but ultimately her story made me realize I wasn’t alone in how I was feeling.

No matter the platform, whether it’s a reality show, a social media account, or a WordPress blog that only 100 people will ever read, we share these experiences because it is what we need to do for ourselves and our process. If you are someone who has gone through hard times as well but want to keep it private, great. That’s what works for many. I would never shame someone for wanting to keep their story to themselves, so I wish people (especially men) would have the decency to not shame women who feel better being open about it.

I’m not here to get into political discussions, but we happen to be at a crossroads in our country that could result in women losing control over their bodies again. The only thing I’m going to say is no one knows what anyone else is going through on the inside. I believe in “my body, my choice” as strongly as I believe in my emotions and my right to express them. We should all be allowed the freedom and the space to do what is right for our physical and mental health without judgement.

My story could end in tragedy. Once you start reading this blog, you have to understand that. If it is not something you want to invest your time in, that’s absolutely fine. I understand. But I made a choice to be an open book and I’m sticking with it no matter what.

I cried a lot seeing the news about Chrissy Teigen and reading her words, and I don’t really care if that sounds silly or not. She said they had named their son Jack. Well, my son also has a name. His name is Theodore Fox. She wrote that she couldn’t believe they had to leave the hospital without him. That could be me.

Theodore is extremely active, constantly rolling around and kicking me in the ribs and behind my belly button. I expressed to my husband the other day that it’s hard sometimes to feel him so alive right now knowing what could be coming. Even in the best case, he will be in the NICU, sedated and still for the first weeks of his life. But I know him already, and I know he is a fighter. He is strong and he wants to be out in the world. I can feel him right now as I type this, his little fists and feet inside me, and I whole-heartedly believe that he will live a beautiful life.

Let’s try and be better to each other. If you have the strength and the ability to reach out and support someone in need, do it. If you are not able to or don’t want to, then step back and let it be. We all should be allowed to make decisions about our lives and how much and how little we give without having to constantly explain why.

Whatever the future brings, I’m committed now more than ever to keep this writing project going. I thank everyone who is brave enough to come with us on this journey. I know it’s not easy subject matter, but I feel like in sharing these thoughts, I get to release a little bit of the burden because you all are there to help me carry it. That is the greatest gift to me.

-Lara